A Moment In Between

Director of Stewardship of the Land Trust for Tennessee

This is the type of career I imagined for myself when I was in college. A title aligned with my degrees and passions, a full time job that would make me feel like I’d be making an impact in conservation. That’s what I thought I would do. Since graduating, I had not found a job opportunity that completely described my dream career, or one that I felt fully qualified for. But this would be it.

We don’t know where life takes us, why sometimes what we think is meant for us, isn’t. I go between wondering if I am in the right place in life, to feeling confident that I am; between waiting patiently and faithfully, to thinking there must be more, something I’m not doing to get myself where I “should” be. But I am where I am in life, and I have to find purpose and meaning in my daily life. I have to remind myself that I have succeeded in huge ways: happily married to a loyal man, owning a good home in a safe neighborhood, finding my heart horse — these are my biggest personal wins in life so far. And I did graduate! I have an education I’m proud of. And I have a comfy, steady job in sales now, close to home with a flexible enough schedule to commit to all my other responsibilities. I wouldn’t trade any of that for the world! Sometimes I just need to give myself a pep-talk; to realize that I am the Director of Stewardship for my own home and garden instead. And that is enough.

People battle all sorts of battles within themselves. They wish, they hope, they try. You never know what someone is going through, or how far they’ve come. People need some sort of constant. Sometimes they search for it all their lives, not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

What’s best for me, God? What’s next for me? Children? I don’t know if that will happen either — another internal battle of mine: my health, my ability to carry, my age, our finances if that were to happen. For now I enjoy my pets: three dogs and horse. Sometimes I imagine if I had four children. And a full time career? And a homestead? And enough time for horseback riding, painting, photography, music, and crafting my own wellness remedies? There is no way to not sacrifice something. Because time is the greatest currency of all, so if I have enough time to at least drink a cup of tea and pray in the morning, then I am rich. My life is full. No doubt, it already is so full of peace and joy. And for that I am so grateful. Then there’s a moment in between, of either fully surrendering to reality, or feeling this little tempting glimmer of wondering “how else it could be.” The only resolution is trust.