I went outside in the early morning to sit in the soft sunlight. The breeze made the dew drops twinkle in the grass, I watched them glisten as two small butterflies landed nearby to bask with me.
I’ve come to the realization that I’ve never actually escaped my depression, or even understood it, not even barely allowing myself to feel the emotions most of the time. I don’t know sometimes if it’s real or not, I thought I was a happy person. I like to have fun, my spirit is uplifting, I don’t bring people down. Why am I so sad inside? Where is it hiding within me?
The trauma I try so hard to push down surfaces at times. The way I ruined myself, my dark secrets, an ugly truth. I miss myself, the girl that didn’t give herself away.
I’m sipping a hot cup of tea – a loose leaf mixture I made – dried strawberries, sage, lavender, and elderberry. Every hot sip going through my body reminds me again – the rush of a long journey… I have been to the same places over and over again.
I ask God for strength, purpose, joy, love, peace. There is so much pain built up in me. I search for the places that make me feel alive, wandering in my dreams too. I go inward and outward, reintroducing myself each time. I cringe at the thought of acknowledging my depression. I don’t want to be asked questions or worry people – I don’t need help. The only way to happiness for me is through faith and nature. There is no cure or magic trick – healing is an every day effort. The heaviness takes years, letting go bit by bit.
Autumn has returned and my Passion flowers have stopped blooming. I planted a root in an indoor pot to see if maybe it would grow and flower over the winter – wondering if the plant still knows what season it is. Usually there’s only one time of the year for flowering. Maybe that time has past already in my life too. People go through seasons, but a lifetime itself has only one summer. I’m wilting in a way.
Back to pretending everything is fine, forgetting the way I’m falling. Just attempting to get up again. Telling myself everything will be okay. Believing, trusting, my next step.
Blue sky and puffy clouds are reflecting in my laptop screen, I can see them moving. Turning up the volume on my speakers – it’s a nice day to fill my whole house with music and enjoy the ambience.
Looking out my window, I noticed some big mushrooms that sprouted up in my backyard from all the rain…
I went for a walk in the forest the other day while it was raining and saw so many beautiful sights. There’s something about a rainy day walk in the woods that cleanses my soul like nothing else. The sounds of drizzle and raindrops on the leaves, making all the trees look so lush, little fairy-sized waterfalls forming from water flowing over rocks along the path.
I also found a heart shaped stone… I think the forest loves me too.
Everything seems more vivid when it rains, my senses are heightened, the smells are more fresh, where I place my feet is more intentional.
My dogs love this park and don’t mind walking in the rain with me… they prefer getting wet and dirty!
…of course I always stop to admire the wildflowers. The fields were full of them.
Maybe I just need more days like this – full of rain and/or sunshine, to help me blossom again. There’s still hope, I have more light than darkness within, I have time to focus on how to help myself. How to let my husband help, how to give in, how to not.
I’m still finding the balance.
Channeling Passions 