I’ve been struggling lately with feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. It’s been bothering me, no matter what my morning routine is to get my day off to a good start, somehow I feel empty later. I haven’t had the words to express myself and I always think – it’s best to just keep sharing joyful things and remember to be grateful, tell myself that happiness is key. I get really low and have to pull myself back up.
I just want to create so badly, to push out content, master my niche and be confident. Things always get lost in the shuffle..
My sweet girl, Ophelia 
At least I know that taking nice pictures makes me happy, but it blows my mind to think that all these digital captures make up my life, the things I experience, and they exist much longer than my actual memory, probably longer than my own life. There are so many pictures being taken, by so many people. When I take pictures I often wonder why I want to take a picture in the first place… but I do it because looking at them brings me joy.
I think people don’t really know me or what kind of person I am. I may seem like a very bright and peppy gal but I have a very dark side, I am worn down and deeply scarred by trauma. It’s taken my husband a lot to just get through to me, he loves me so much and is such a good husband. Even he can’t help me sometimes though. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I just try to remember my problems are small. I do have direction and am fortunate, I don’t understand why I feel sad when my life is full of color.
There is just too much pain in the world, corruption and toxic waste. Children being abused, sex slaves being trafficked, masses of animals slaughtered every day, tons of plastics produced daily, even more thrown away. There is so much devastation and confusion, and people are so hateful and pathetic, it’s disgusting. Almost anything can be made political, or into a reality show. People eat up the garbage and let it ruin their day, they hurt themselves, they feel guilty, they get judgmental. It’s boring.
I can smell pollution, it smells like fried chicken grease and car exhaust mixed with highway dust. Maybe the air quality is what’s starting to get to me lately, making me feel dazed.
Even though nature is so beautiful, it’s also brutal. Everything competes, it’s just the process of elimination in this world. The cycles are inevitable.
We can convince ourselves that we’re happy though, and see the good. For me, that means eliminating as much negative stimuli as possible – in a society full of it. It’s hard to stay happy, express that happiness, and not seem delusional. It does feel good in the moment though – that joy that seems to come in short bursts.
Maybe people prefer to be heartbroken, because it gives us a sense of depth. But happiness can be deep too, can’t it? How deep is your happiness? Do we ever ask ourselves that? I don’t think I’ve ever asked myself or compared the depth of my sadness vs. happiness. So far, I think I’ve spent a lot of time being melancholy. Even though I’m constantly seeking beauty. It only feels good to share things that bring joy to others, and it only feels good to take pretty pictures or videos and inspire others to find joy in nature. But how deep does this actually go?
What breaks your heart? How do people cope when something so deeply heartbreaking has the power to overshadow every moment, even in joyful moments. The very thought of joy then becomes saddening itself. But why can’t happiness be that deep and impactful? Why does sadness get to rule, making us have to fight it away, while happiness is so desperately held on to, like it slips out of our hands.
I wish happiness lasted longer, that it didn’t push others away, that it could override the brain and leave people profoundly joyous, a quiet knowing that all is well. While most of the best art is the result of sadness and personal strife, our happiness is more sacred. More mysterious, more fragile. So much of our lives go by without truly understanding how to make ourselves happy, how to let sadness run its course, how to get back to joy.
How to go deeply into happiness as we do into sadness…
Channeling Passions 